[ --- MSSR JARLAXLE BAENRE a profile of select events ]
[ --- WHAT IS FORGOTTEN REALMS? your mom ]
[ --- GIMME SOME STATS, HO that's ho action +7, beeatch ]
[ --- HAT YES, BAGELS NO 2E stats, and his wardrobe of eyesore +3 ]
[ --- WHY DOES ARTEMIS HAVE A GIRL'S NAME, THE DAMN SISSY and other Entreri related things ]
[ --- QUOTE ME SOMETHING read the back of a cereal box ]


ARTEMIS ENTRERI,
MY LIFE SUCKED SO I BECAME AN ASSASSIN
"Hello, my name is Artemis Entreri and I'm an assasin. My mother gave me this stupid girly name so all the kids used to beat me up and steal my lunch money, and my hamster died when I was seven. My life sucked. So I became an adorable cat companion to a Japanese schoolgirl who fights for love and justice zomg assassin."

Little is known about the dark, tragic past of one Artemis Entreri. We're sure he listened to his mix tape of Bright Eyes and wrote poetry, but that did little to remedy his empty existence. So he became the best assassin that money could buy. Then came the entire Drizzt Do'Urden affair, in which he sought to prove his righteousness through the venerable means of kicking each others' asses. Which, really, failed quite miserably and got Entreri's face smashed in this most undignified manner. Here's looking at you, Wild E.

However, he was taken under the wing of Jarlaxle. First as pseudo-prisoner to face the terrible glory of Menzoberranzan, and realize that the answer to his existence-- the assassin's glory he was striving for-- was the nature of the city's evil. In other words, Entreri realized that his life was just another facet of shitty. Jarlaxle, looking out for Entreri, goes about his little scheming and gets the assassin through his existential crisis, and helps him leave that silly Drizzt affair behind. And it was Entreri who kicked Jarlaxle along the path to rid himself of Crenshinibon's hold, when the drow was under the influence of the artifact. It's all rather sweet, really.

In one of Drizzt's many introspective eljay posts zomg, he highlights Jarlaxle's generosity of heart-- such as it is-- and the manner in which he cares for Entreri as a friend. And Jarlaxle, being the charming little nutter he is, slowly influences Entreri's "desire for absolute control [is] fueled by his inability to trust". Which leads to, of course, Dragon Encounter NUMBER UNO, YES. And Entreri being a big softie and not leaving DANICA BEHIND TO DIE IN THE DARK, YES. It's almost like a 12-step program for reluctantly reforming assassins.

NO I DON'T KNOW WHY HE HAS A GIRLY NAME. His father probably hated him as a child and abandonned him and gave rise to his trust issues-- HA HA HA. I MEAN.

I was going to write that Jarlaxle and Entreri now share a flat together, and rent out their services to a pair of sisters. But that just sounds dirty. Well, for a given value of dirty. And, well, Jarlaxle kinda does. WHOOPS.